From Gaiaonline musicians forum.

Quoth Zaphodia:
I found this on an LJ community, and I thought it was hilarious how some of these descriptions are fit to a T.

Hunting and Fishing Magazine Presents�

Reeds and Mouthpieces: How to Bag a Woodwind Player


Piccolo Players
Identifiable by its shrill, toneless call, the Piccolo Player is considered a dangerous pest in most locations, where it is usually an invader taking over Flautist territory. Thus they are very dangerous, as they are normally found near residential complexes, and know no fear of humans.
Piccolo Players are a threat to all breeds of musicians, Woodwinds, Brass and Strings alike. Most Musicians will flee just when hearing their cry. The most effective way to lure a Piccolo Player into your sights is to reproduce their shrill call with a whistle or by scraping a knife down a chalkboard. The best place for a clear shot is usually from the ground- Piccolo Players normally have their noses up in the air, so are good at spotting tree stands.

Flautists
Though more popularly known as pets, wild Flautists are a staple for many beginning Musician hunters. Flautists are herding animals and are rarely seen without at least two others of their species nearby. They are easily identifiable through their long, silver instruments, stylish name-brand clothing, and blonde hair (do not be fooled: some brunette, raven and red mutations do exist, but are rare and usually domesticated).
Curious yet skittish, Flautists are attracted by shiny objects and shopping malls, both of which can be used as lures to separate them from their herd. The most effective way to hunt flautists is to lure them into a bear trap using a crumpled up piece of tinfoil, and then, once they are trapped, to club them to death with a nearby tree branch. This almost always works.

Clarinetists
All Woodwind players are difficult to bag, but Clarinetists can be among the most dangerous; especially if you go after the Big Game Prize- Principal Clarinetist.
Clarinetists, identifiable through proximity to others of their species, possess a hive mentality. Though there are several different breeds of Clarinetists in one hive, all of them are efficient, normally pleasant drones. They unquestioningly follow the orders of Principal Clarinetist, who possibly has telepathy. Their loyalty is unflagging and they are especially dangerous, even psychotic, when defending their home territory and leader.
An experienced hunter needs to carefully examine the local area before attempting to bag a Clarinetist. They are not dangerous individually, but attack in droves if they feel their territory is threatened, so make sure you have a place to retreat to if necessary. If you plan to attempt to bag the Principal Clarinetist, the following items are a necessity: anti-telepathy helmet, machine gun, written will. And remember- Do NOT make eye contact!

Soprano/Alto Saxophonists
Do not be swayed by their small size and shiny keys; Soprano and Alto Saxophonists are among the most vicious pack animals found in the musician kingdom. In order to bag either of these Saxophonists, a hunter needs to have eyes in the back of his head. Where there is one Saxophonist, at least two more lurk nearby, ready to attack as soon as they feel guard has been let down.
Soprano and Alto Saxophonists are known for encroaching on other Woodwinds� territory and plundering what they find there.

[i][b]Tenor Saxophonists[/b]
Though very similar to other Saxophonists in appearance and call, the subtle differences- lower timbre, change of key and gracefully curved neck- clearly set the Tenor Saxophonists apart.
A primarily aquatic creature, Tenor Saxophonists are playful, deceptively dangerous creatures that will probably accidentally kill you. If you encounter one in the wild, it is probably safest to stay out of their way. Hunting from a tree stand is highly recommended, as it will both give you a bird�s eye view of the area and keep you out of the way of any Tenor Saxophonists blundering past. For efficiency, set up your stand in a clearing by a river or lake. [/i]

Baritone Saxophonists
Though not normally dangerous, Baritone Saxophonists know no fear and thus would sooner charge you than flee from you. These titans of the woodlands are usually found following around an Alto Saxophonist or a Tenor Saxophonist, but are almost never seen with another of their kind.
Baritone Saxophonists� low, distinctive call can be heard for miles, and is usually used as a territorial device to keep others of their species from encroaching. It also scares dogs.
Use food to lure a Baritone Saxophonist within your sights- they cannot resist pizza or something with mold growing on less that 30% of it.

Oboists
Oboists are solitary and extremely territorial creatures. Though initially appearing startled when encountering another of their kind, they will soon begin circling each other and playing high notes to show off. Prior to physical fighting, they will brandish their reeds at each other in a final attempt to scare off the opponent. If this does not work, and they do not decide to go out for pasta instead, violence usually ensues.
Oboists are best identified by the bag full of reeds, cane, string, tools, polishing cloths, brushes, beeswax, cigarette paper and metronome they carry around with them at all times. All Oboists can be found with a tuner- be careful never to get between an Oboist and its tuner; violence always ensues.
When hunting for Oboists, finding them is the only real problem. Since they rarely pay attention to their surroundings, once you find them, the rest should be simple, unless you miss, in which case violence probably ensues.

English Horn Players
The proud English Horn Player can be recognized by its flashy colored thread, usually obnoxiously bright, and weird-looking instrument. It is currently on the endangered species list, teetering near extinction. However, in the days when English Horn Players roamed free on the plains, they were often caught and pitted against hungry dogs in blood sports. The results were gambled on, and many a dog and English Horn Player were killed or left to die. That, as well as the deforestation of their cane meadows, led to a sharp decline in population.
However, if you do encounter an English Horn Player in the wild, be careful. Make no sudden movements, and by all means do not make eye contact. They are a proud breed, and usually grow out their nails, so a direct encounter with one may be fatal.

Bassoonists
The distinctive, easily identifiable Bassoonist is rarely found in the wild. Primarily herbivorous, they use their long instruments to pull down leaves from the highest branches. Though usually a solitary breed, Bassoonists will occasionally and only temporarily travel in small clans of two to five, usually for safety. They travel through all musician�s territory and are usually quite well tolerated, probably because the Bassoonist also eats human flesh.
When hunting a Bassoonist, the element of surprise is key. Bassoonists are clever creatures that have learned how to throw rocks and swing branches. Like the Baritone Saxophonist, they can be lured within range by food, though the are slightly more picky and no more than 20% mold content is acceptable.



http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8546749